Category: Blog Grind

The grind continues, but I feel defeated. Tonight it became clear to me where I’m at and how far I have to go.

So I started yet another NEW bar show. In some ways it’s great because the people at the bar are a built in audience. It’s not gorilla comedy. The audience actively goes upstairs to see the show, but they are not fully mentally prepared to invest in comedy. The people in the audience that want to have fun do have fun. I guess that’s true for life in general.

 

I felt uncomfortable up there because I’m not solid on the material. In order to do well at an intimate bar shows you have to do a mix of crowd work and jokes. I did not feel comfortable with this mix. I have a new found respect for how the boyfriend can just barrel through situations like this like a pro.

 

In an effort to not be one of those people that don’t want to have fun– I’m gonna have fun in a low key way. I’m going to eat shwarma, buy Tostitos (since I ate my roomates), go over my act, read, and go to sleep.

 

Update I’m going to MC the conference in D.C. It’s just going to be one night and – it should be fun!

 I’m trying to work on new material about my move to Astoria. At late night tonight, when the new jokes didn’t land I did off beat physical poses and that seemed to be enough to get a laugh. I think this may start to be my trademark. I may not have the most amazing material, but what I do got is killer physical poses. Take that yoga!

This morning I woke up at 5:30am to work at the front desk at an event. I was happy to work, but I wound up taking a nap in the middle of the day. The nap was definetly justified, but somehow I feel guilty about it. I could go to Lucky Jacks for this mic that runs till 2am, but at this point I should just get a regular night sleep.

Tonight a comic friend of mine asked “how are things going with your boyfriend, are you still having sex?” Waaah?! Lord knows comics are weird. This other comic hugs me way too much and inappropriately whenever I see him at mics. I wanna say there are other female comics here…go be creepy to them. Eek!

 

Tonight is the first of a new weekly comedy show. I have been stressed and nervous all week and now that it’s the day of– I am calm. There isn’t much I can do. There are a few producer things I need to do today, but I also want to go over my act.

 

When I have the choice of going over my act or doing producer work I tend to choose the latter– administrative work does not require that I am  vulnerable.

 

It’s great that I’m no longer stressed about the show. In fact I got a kick out of today. The most “prestigious” comic on the lineup bailed. Another bailed because he got a paid gig, then that gig got cancelled so he asked to be back on the lineup. He’s on.

 

Another comedian who also produces a lot bailed- I had a feeling and totally get it. Finally another comic who drinks a lot– I haven’t heard back from. The adventure continues.

 

A handful of tickets have been sold and I expect a few walkins. If we have 10 audience members I will consider the evening a success. Most importantly it’s freeing to know that I’ve done all that I could and the rest is out of my hands.

 

Today I worked at a coffee shop with a new comedian friend; it reminded me of my college days at U of Michigan. In Ann Arbor, I would work in coffee shops or the law library (on the hunt for a lawyer).
Back in comedy land, the coffee work session was productive-ish. It felt like I was on a first date. Tomorrow I am supposed to write with another comedian friend which will be our first time working together. Until I find my way in the comedy scene, I will be in the world of first comedy dates… I hope some of them stick.

Tomorrow is the first edition of a new show Masq Qomedy I REALLY hope people come, but there is only so much I can do. Julia Cameron in the Artists Way says “Remember your job is to work, not judge the work. Say, “ok creative force, you take care of the quality, I will take care of the quantity “. That goes for producing as well, I decided.

In unrelated news below is my third vlog.

Here is Verbal Valium #2! Whoot whoot! The theme is identity crisis. Who do I want to be on stage? A dolled up version of myself or the nice jewish girl whose eye makeup is often smudgy? These are questions I ask myself on a regular basis, that and is this joke funny, or do I have a punchline for this premise? Stand-up comedy is HARRRD.

I’m going to the Comic Strip tonight to work on the new bit about my hard core depressive episode. When the audience laughs I’m like you’re a bunch of assholes, but the truth is I want to hear the laughs. If there are no laughs then I’m the asshole. You can’t win!! It’s a mixed bag since this material is so personal to me.

Well it’s the grind so what’s the latest flavored coffee? Vulnerability. In my standup, I’m starting to write about my core issue. You know, the reason I’m psychologically damaged (what, like everyone isn’t damaged goods?) My issue: I’m financially dependent on my parents. There I said it. I wrote it in the blogosphere. It’s out there.

In therapy we discuss having your life choices match your values and to be open about them. By the way, I’m in therapy too. If being financially dependent is my skeleton in the closet then being in therapy is the right femur. Therapy is much more societally acceptable than being financially dependent. If it weren’t my father, but rather my husband supporting me; I wouldn’t be as ashamed. That means I found a man with money who spends it on me—finding that man is hard work and well deserved. Hello values!

I downgraded my living expenses by moving from a one bedroom in Manhattan to having a roommate in Queens. Wow, what a selfless hero. Still, I feel shame and embarrassment; feelings that I bring upon myself because my parents are happy to help me. The reality is my life choices don’t match my values. I need to either change my life choices, my values or start making money in comedy. All of the three options feel rather impossible to overcome, but because of hope, stubbornness and/or perseverance I forge on in the hopes of achieving the latter. Until then, I hope to have the strength to be vulnerable on stage and try out this new “material”. It’s all about baby steps.

Tonight I performed in the main stage at Gotham comedy club. The room was poppin! I was very nervous and excited. You know who in the room cared about the set besides for me? Noone!  But somehow it still felt like an audition. I happened to know the bouncer and GM who afterwards said ‘nice set’. I am not sure if it was an obligatory ‘good set’ or a legit ‘good set’ probably a mix of both, but I did fine and am proud of myself for just having the opportunity to perform there.

It was a chatty audience even the pros were struggling. There were a bunch of girls from Jersey so any time I felt like I was bombing I shouted ‘where JERSEY at’!  It was a cute save line. I only used it once. I wonder if I said ‘where my white people at” it would have had the same effect.

I was on a serious  performance high afterwards and so I went to a mic. I went from a poppin’ packed room to four drunk people and both were damn fun!

 

I am starting a Vlog to be combined with my Blog. Some much logging I should be a woodsman…. ay-oooooh!

I came up with the Vlog idea while at an Ashram this past weekend in Monroe, New York. An ashram is  a spiritual hermitage for meditation and yoga or in my opinion, an ashram is a place for white indian wanna-bes to eat curry.

Overall, my weekend away was really positive. I had been feeling crappy about the slo-ow process of developing material. I’m an immediate gratification player and at this point in stand-up comedy my strength is in performing; my joke writing skills are still in development. If this were the SATs then English is equivalent to performing and Math is joke writing. Continuing the SAT similie, then with hard work and overpriced private tutors I will get into the U of Michigan of comedy… and that is OK with me!

While in the Ashram, I was able to reflect and see how far I’ve come. I’m not comparing myself to a talented 20-something year old I know who just taped her 1 hr to a sold out house. No, it’s strictly comparing myself to myself 7 months ago when I couldn’t get out of bed. This doesn’t mean that now I’m going to stop working and get back in bed (though it is tempting)– it just means I can allow myself to take a breath and appreciate where I’ve been and where I’m going. Hey Maya, wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now.  🙂

While in the ashram I decided I will ship (Seth Godin’s Linchpin*) a vlog or some sort of comedic content in my newsletter. The vlog will be called Michelle’s Verbal Valium. It’s a term my friend coined and she went to Yale so obviously I’m gonna use it. It’ll be fun to film some vlogs at the Comic Strip. If you’re not already on the mailing list feel free to join.

So for these two realizations, starting a vlog and being proud of my journey, the Ashram was well worth the $80 a night, mediocre/poor food and Aushwitz inspired wooden plank beds.

Namaste bitches.

Click the image above to see the first edition of Michelle’s Verbal Valium…

[youtube 1AEVf_pzexc]

*Full disclosure I only read half of Linchpin